I was given the perfect framework in meditation which I wrote about in the last post. Combined with my food list from Raphael, I'm golden as far as weight goes, and this framework helps me tone and strengthen my body along with giving me time for my fiction writing and my soul work... it's everything I asked for, but I couldn't get myself to do it. In fact, I got a bit manic and obsessive every time I even thought about doing it.
I've been given great structure for this challenge, exactly what I asked for, but when it came to putting it in action, I was running from it.
One of the most important traits to develop if you are serious about spiritual growth and change in your life, is self awareness and honesty. You have to know who you are and understand your own tells, then you follow those leads to your breakthrough.
I felt it in my body that something was up. I felt off energetically. I was functioning, doing a lot of non-fiction writing, but I was avoiding
my fiction (and I need to get a new book out this month) and I was avoiding everything on that list of structure.
I tried to tell myself it was because I didn't want to do the exercise portion, and there's a part of me that really doesn't, but not wanting to do something NEVER holds me back. I'm a determined woman, especially when it comes to building and changing my life, so I could not understand why the second day I had my structure, I started hiding from it.
So I started tracing things. I know what truth feels like, so I looked at different sources for this, I'd see how they felt rolling over my tongue, see what resonated as true, and I ended up on sex of all things.
See for me, my weight is, and always has been, about keeping me from sex.
I started putting on weight after I got married when I accidentally accepted a date from a man thinking he wanted to be friends and hang out, then realizing that I actually had it in me to cheat on my husband because I liked what I felt when he flirted with me... in my infinite 20-something wisdom, I of course came up with the only feasible solution to this... get fat and stay fat!
If I breakthrough on this structure, two things happen...
- I finish losing this weight
- I'll end up in another relationship... which leads to sex
If I don't lose the weight, I won't have to deal with my sexuality... therefore I can't follow through on the structure I asked for.
This is why I love the challenge, when you take one thing and focus on it, many things reveal themselves and we really do change our lives during these 50 days.
So I have discovered a block in my sexuality and that's causing my trouble. Last night I stayed up until nearly 6 with a wonderful, accommodating friend, tracing the root of my sexual issues all the way back to childhood.
Yeah, fun evening. :p
The irony of all this is I am a very sexual being. I love sex, every single thing about it. In fact last night one of the things said in the conversation with my friend resonated so deeply I have to save it and meditate on it.
Your divine life path lies with your sexuality, and as it is you are very attractive and losing weight would make you a powerful woman and you are supposed to be stepping into your sexual feminism because this age is the age of rising feminine energy.
I know without doubt that the attack on my sexuality is a ploy from the dark to keep me sedated, to keep me from becoming all I am intended to become. Now, I think I understand all the places my sexuality has been wounded, in today in meditation I'm going to start cleaning out the wounds and see what happens from there. I'm excited, but it's a bit daunting as well.
Wish me luck and I'll keep you posted though in the next edition of As the 50 Day Challenge Turns!
I have too started to regain the body that I'm happy with. Only, I had to fight off external conflicts. I've felt pressured to stay at a normal female weight, rather aim for the Miss Universe weight that I am dreaming about. :p It is amazing how women want to keep each other at the same weight range - and that too, is about sex... And sexual dominance and equality. If we'd all look the same, we could only compete by "personality differences", but that would be falsified, because the body that we are happy with is also a part of our personality - whether we like it or not.
ReplyDeleteVery eloquently put Skye! I think our body affects our personality because how comfortable we are in our own skin dictates how much of our true selves we allow to be seen. It's all about living my truth for me, whatever body size or shape that is, as long as it's authentically mine, that's what I want.
DeleteIt is a shame all the obstacles in our paths just to live our lives, but I also know how strong and capable we are and when you set your thoughts straight, you can honestly change the world.